Posted by Sally on February 13, 2002 at 21:42:06:
In Reply to: Re: His mother didnīt accept me posted by Susan on February 13, 2002 at 14:25:37:
That reminds of what a friend once told me....pay close attention to how he treats his mother (before you're too involved in the relationship) because that's how he will treat you. You gotta respect!
: HI there
: I just thought I would tell you a bit about my situation and offer a bit of advice based on what I have learnt the hard way. But firstly I will say that Lena is definitely right. I would be more concerned about his reactions, not his mothers.
: You can't change a persons family and you can't stop loving and wanting to be with someone because of his family. I was with someone for 5 years and we got married. He was greek and I am cypriot (not that I see that as a difference) His mother was the interfering type and was very controlling of her son. She had her reasons for this and I totally understood (that is a long story in itself). But just to give you an idea, she used to rings us up when we were out late at night to see what we were doing. She would tell us what we should be doing based on what her life was like back in Greece in the village. Alot also went on behind my back between her and her son that I didn't find out about until later. Mostly that he used to tell her things about our relationship that were really our business only.
: To me though, it was like he hated the fact that she called us all the time - I used to stick up for her. He hated her sticking her nose in our business all the time as he used to put it. They used to have huge fights (screaming and abusive ones) over it. Still I tried to understand both sides and never got involved. He always reassured me that when we got married it would be me and him and we could lead our own lives. I always knew though that she would alwaya be a major part in our lives. Family is very important to me. I guess I thought the respect we owed our parents was different to his definition.
: After we got married, nothing I did was good enough. She used to come over when I wasn't home and do my washing, cleaning and rearrange my kitchen - that was just some of the stuff - and my husband couldn't understand why that made me upset. We used to get into argument over it as he thought I was an ungrateful bitch for not appreciating what his mother did for us. I slowly saw our relationship turn into the abusive extreme relationship he had with his mother before we got married so now we are going through a divorce.
: I do not blame his mother. I do not blame anyone. I do know that the ties he had with his mother and the controlling relationship between them was a factor in our separation and that tie was his responsibility to figure out where it belonged once he was married.
: At the end of the day you need to base your decisions on YOUR relationship. If he is thinking of leaving you because of his mother, then look at this as a sign. It could have gotten worse in the future. You might be better off without him.
: But it could also be a positive thing. You might need this separation for him to realise that he really want to be with you and he needs to make that decision himself - not with his mother. I guess in the end of the day he has to decide what is more important for him.
: For some greek men it is SO important that his mother accepts you. For others it doesn't matter and for situations like mine, I had to become her to be good enough. He showed me that through his actions not by what he used to tell me.
: I am not sure uif this has helped you in any way. I hope it has. Every situation is different and my situatio is just one and so is Lenas.
: Good luck with it all and remember everything does happen for a reason.