Posted by lena on February 13, 2002 at 11:38:28:
In Reply to: Re: His mother didnīt accept me posted by Sally on February 13, 2002 at 11:17:28:
Sorry i forgot to include that. I actually dated him for a little over a year before I told them about him. I just got tired of all the lies and the hiding. It stressed me out way too much and I was feeling more and more guilt. I apologized as much as I could for lying to my parents, I KNOW it was wrong, but I didn't feel I was left with much of a choice. but I also know that they are not as upset about the lies, as they are about the color of my bf's skin. They say they will never accept him into our family.
I had tried to be honest with them about my first boyfriend several years ago (he wasn't greek either) and when I told them I wanted to go out on a date...they both flipped out. I don't want to go into details but let's just say I became VERY scared of what might happen if I dated openly. They even threatened to not send me to college. I ended up breaking up with the guy, but from that point on, I was too scared to share the truth with them about ANY of my dating. I've found that a lot of my greek girlfriends have had to do that as well. I know one greek girl who has been hiding her relationship with an irish man for SIX years--she's too scared that her father will blow up and hurt her or even her boyfriend.
Do you have any advice for me?
: Lena,
: I'm just curious about something....how long did you date this guy before you told your parents that he was your boyfriend?
: : i'm having a similar situation...my parents won't except my boyfriend of two years who is black. I was ready to leave my boyfriend and follow my parents' wishes, but i realized that the only choices that will make me happy in my life are MINE not my parents. I wouldn't be so concerned about his mother, as I would be with him. He needs to take that step and deal witht he consequences of his mother not liking his parents. Many greek children are taught to put the family's wishes before their own--which often leads to unhappiness for the child. He needs to understand that he will never be happy if he lets his mother be the ultimate decisionmaker in his life. I'm 23 yrs old and by staying with my boyfriend, I have been left on my own. I'm cut off financially from my family and my parents nor siblings will speak to me anymore. But, I also don't regret my choice---I'm with a man that respects and cares about very much. I've never been this happy in my life, and I know he is the one for me. I have no doubts.
: : But, I keep trying to reach out to my family, calling and writing them. althought no one responds, i know i'm doing my part. I can't erase my parents' prejudices--they were raised in greece with different stereotypes and haven't been raised in my reality, where the color of someone skin is not a factor in my choice of relationships. But, I can be patient and hope that eventually they will accept me as I am, cause I am their daughter, and deserve their unconditional love. Your ex has to realize that not ALL his choices will please his mother, and he just has to take that step forward. If he really loves you and really wants to mature, then he will stick with you. If not, this issue of mother making his choices will come back to haunt him. Up until recently, i had always deferred to my parents' wishes, partly because I was still young and thought they knew better, partly because they'd give me a horrible guilt trip about how I don't want them to be happy if I don't do what they want. He needs to realize that once you hit a certain age, "mother knows best" just doesn't cut it. sometimes, our parents DON'T know what right for us.
: : I wouldn't be as upset with his mother, as I would be with him. He needs to realize what HE really wants more. Does he want to have a healthy relationship with his girlfriend, or does he want to have an unhealthy relationshi with his mother, trying to make her happy all the time? Which is more important to him? If it's the latter, then move on. If you try to stay with him, his mother will be a constant thorn in the relationship. I'm sure you agree that you deserve a man who can stand up for himself and make his own decisions.
: : Please don't think I am not being sensitive to him...i'm sure he feels caught between the two of you, and if his mother is anything like mine...the mental torment can be unbearable! I've spent nights crying myself to sleep because my parents' won't accept my choice.
: : I really hope he changes his mind and stays loyal to his love for you...it will be one of the hardest, yet most liberating, decisions he'll ever make. At first, he may feel like he's betraying his mother, but if he didn't stay with you, he'd only be betraying himself. You two may want to consider counseling, or maybe he and his mother could speak to someone.
: : Good luck with everything. I know how hard this can be, especially when you their is a child in the picture. don't forget---Your child should be your first and foremost priority here.
: : : I had a relashionship with a greek man for 3 years.
: : : His mother couldnīt accept me because Iīm divorsed with a child. We really loved each other and still do but he left me because of his moter!!!
: : : Is it SO important for a greek man that his mother accepts you???